WoShengMing

2008-06-15T18:10:00.000-07:00

The Incredible Hulk movie was awesome. The action scenes were disgustingly awesome. I love the part where Hulk rips a police car in two pieces and uses them to beat the shit out of Tim Roth.

Bon Chon fried chicken - the recent fried chicken phenomenom going on in ktowns everywhere. I love it! http://www.yelp.com/biz/bonchon-chicken-new-york ...chicken covered in a thin crispy layer, but not flaky and battered

Anyways - life for the most part is same as usual. Work is proceeding along smoothly despite the impending move to Hong Kong. In case i never mentioned it - i'm moving to LEH hong kong - equity trading. Duration - indefinite.

Why? There are a lot of reasons...I want to work outside of the US. The mere fact that i'll be working instead of studying or just vacationoing will make for such a shock already. There's just so much growth going on in Asia and I want to see it. I know there's opportunities out there to be developed and I want to grow something small into something HUGE. Throw on top of that the asian booty that will bep lentiful and I think the case for going is pretty open shut.

The script is looking to be mid-july, but things have been pretty precarious around work lately. Some new hires, the ongoing lay-offs, the 2.8bln loss, the mgt changes; right now is just not the best time to be pushing the envelope. Afterall, bonus is right around the corner (find out numbers end of june with payout 2 wks after), so my eyes are on that prize.

Last night was pretty good times. Hung out with my boys Ravi, Matt, and this young blood on our crew that night, James. James is one of my buddy's childhood friends. He's never partied in the city or for that matter even been to an establishment where you couldnt wear shorts and sneakers. I had to convince him that his american eagle plaid shorts and nike airs werent going to be let into some of nyc's places. Not to say that i roll anywhere exclusive, but things in new york are just a bit more formal than the small town bars he used to hit up upstate at school. It was a chill night - hit up the lower east side lounges then wound up going to hookah. That really fucks with your head. But ti's mad relaxing and since we all started drinking since 6pm, we were in the mood for some downtime.

There were some cute girls sitting to the rightt aht actually chatted me up random times during the night. Not sure why i didnt say anything to them back...i just cant get booty anymore...it's sad

veggginnnn

2008-04-13T16:46:00.001-07:00

dood wtf - i've been in bed ALL sunday long...Sundays are usually like this...there's just really nothing for me to do. Unless there's laundry, i'll usually take out the garbage and on occasion go buy groceries (orange juice, microwaveable white castles and jelly beans).

it's kind of weird how life has kind of transitioned ever since school ended. Friends I used to see everyday for classes I never see anymore. But it's weird, bcz despite not hanging out as much anymore, the time we are together, we go fawking NUTS.

this wknd in particular tho, all these kids are stuck at their office. Bankers. Recruiting for Private Equity jobs have these kids holed up in their rooms doing LBO spreadsheets for interview prep...it's sad....so what am i left to do? oh lonely alex, the only kid htat's happy in his job and doesnt have interviews to prep for is left alone...to write in his blog at his home in queens....God, i need to move into manhattan....

i havent been outside my apt all day - i dont even know if it rained or not...the shades have been pulled down the entire day

Anyways, I think i'm going to regret these moments of vegging out - kind of like how I missed the days in college where you could skip class anytime u want and sleep in monday - fri...quite the opposite of getting into work at 545 am everyday like i do now...i'm not saying i'll get married - but damn, the stories i hear from ppl at work where weekends are bombarded with kid soccer games, recitals, classes, as early as 7AM - SOUND TERRIBLE!

WHY WOULD YOU EVER WANT KIDS!! They sound like the biggest waste of money and time!

is that a little overboard??

haha, james, my front deskman just called to say delivery was on its way up...only he and i both know how care free my sunday was - he called me only 8 hrs ago to let me know lunch was coming...from the same restaurant...

damn. lesson from this entry -

Don't take for granted vegging out.

2008-03-30T17:13:00.000-07:00

She cut the tie on facebook so I can no longer see her status. Instead I log on to a friends and see her profile there. She's so beautiful in everyway.

Recently updated profile pictures; she'sso cute and wonderful. She has a new dress on and her hair is done up. It hurts because I know that she would have done those things for me.

I see her in pictures with other guys and I know taht she has someone new in her life. The guy strangely, kind of looks like me...Ultimately, if he treats her well then I should be happy for her. And really, thankful that thsi new person came in to give her what I could not.

How can you do that though - How can you feel happy when she's with someone else, when every time you see her smiling you wish it was you right next to her.

I wish I could make her laugh again. I wish I could be the one to make her feel safe and loved. But I know after everything I did these wounds are too deep to ever be repaired. The moments where we both believed it could work would be fleeting as the onset of the past memories would be too strong.

Deep down I miss her so much....but honestly, do i really love her the way to go after her? Is it deep enough to go to the depths to be with her again?

I don't think so...and so I must let go...and be happy she's with someone else.

Alex - you "exceed expectations"

2008-03-26T16:49:00.000-07:00

That's what the last page of the evaluation said. I received a 2/5, an "Exceeds expectations" marking for my last 6 months on the desk.

Ecstatic? Completely. It has validated every little feeling of angst i've felt each day on the job. Everytime I was yelled at for fucking up a small detail on a trade to forgetting to order onions for someone's soup, this has made up for it; a million times over.

I've been hit by head hunters recently as well. People looking to poach me to explore other opportunities. It's gratifying and extremely honoring, but I can't leave. Not so soon.

The past few weeks have been good. I miss my family a lot. My parents and brother are in Taiwan. THey left little over a week ago to specifically participate in the elections to support the KMT. I'm glad their party won. I know my mother would be extremely sad if things did not transpire the way she wanted them to. At her age, it's tough to see her dissapointed at things in life. I wish i could take all of her stresses away. I wish she could retire and just enjoy her life knowing she had two children both independent and thankfully not needing their parents financial coddling.

I miss my brother too.

Girls

2008-03-02T18:05:00.000-08:00

I've had the hardest time getting any the past couple months.

I finally ended nearly a 4 month dry spell of no kissing, hugs, ANYTHING, last friday when I met up with d from school. Even that night all we did was fool around a bit and just made out.

I don't really know what's behind this lack of booty. I'm single, making good $ and I'm in NY. My homies blame it on the fact I live in queens. It's true, it's a real conversation killer with girls at clubs, but at the same time, i've never brought it up more than 2 or three times ever since living there. So it cant be the entire problem.

I just get bored. I lose interest in the chase. There have been so many times when i'll walk up to a girl (and this is of course after TONS and TONS of coaxing from friends to make the move in the first place) start a conversation then just walk away 1 to 2 minutes later bcz she's not immediately on my cock. I hate the chase.

It's too much work I think....i think i've lost a lot of confidence in myself as well. Part of it is also because i'm still not over L.

I'd do anything to turn back my game, but it seems to have dried out. My best semester was first semester senior year, right before I graduated. WOW - that was THE BEST TIME FOR GETTING BOOTY.

I was hooking up with multiple girls every week; it was amazing.

ugh...i need something to switch on. I'm starting to tell my friends there is a direct -1 coorelation between watching porn and getting laid with me.

Work

2008-02-13T18:29:00.001-08:00

It's starting to be not as fun as I built it up to be - Some thoughts i've had over the past few months -

I realized today that nothing I do at work benefits man kind in anyway - the environment? Nope. Human illness? Nope. Starvation? Nope. The American Dream? Nope. I am absolutely dead weight in this world.

You know that huge sigh of relief you breath the moment you step out of work? That gigantic deflation in your chest where your entire day's stress and qualms are stored get released? I love that feeling.

Every two hours of work, I feel like i'm losing two years of my life. I always feel like i'm going to pop a blood vessel.

Apparently I don't have any common sense and I don't know how to spell "Email". Says my boss. Oh, and I also always fuck up lunch.

2008-01-31T19:40:00.000-08:00

When does it become the last straw?

Is work a place where veryday you challenge yoruself? Yes, it should be, right? But at the same time is it this stress you put on yourself so intense because you fear you will lose your job?

i'm starting to feel a divide.

2008-01-27T19:33:00.000-08:00

Only a couple days until my 23rd birthday on the thirtieth.

Twenty three years old. There are some things about you that are second nature - they've been with you your entire life and they've never changed, like your name, or fondest memory, or favorite color.

And you'd think it'd be the same with your name, despite it changing every year, but for some reason, there are at times that split second where I pause when answering the question how old I am - 22? Geeze, that is old.

Soon to be 23. Where is this life headed?

It's almsot been a year since I met L. It was her birthday on the 24th.

I miss her so much still. Is it possible to really never love again? I know you see it in movies, people losing someone or breaking up and feeling terrible and honestly believing there could be no one better, but it always ends up turning around on them.

Will that happen to me? In bed at night I find myself wishing she was there laying next to me to hold. I miss wrapping my arms around her stomach, holding her tightly, as I smell her hair.

Work is not bad. I'm getting better at it. The more I am, the more I see how I dont think I could do it much longer. The allure of Asia is growing and I want to move there soon.

I've alaways been so crazy with my emotinos. I'll think I want tomsething so badly, and i'll never stop thinking about it, and once I have it, the feelings fade. Moving to Asia is a move you exactly dont want such a situation to happen to.

2007-12-02T16:46:00.000-08:00

Ugh. Disgusted. With. Myself.

Two weeks ago I failed my series 55. Possibly one of the worst career moves one could make. I feel like i've let down my entire team. It's like my career is in reverse.

2007-11-10T16:22:00.000-08:00

November already?

I was reading my posts on this thing and back then it was July & August - when NYC was blazing hot.

Right now i'm clearing my throat every now and then and i feel a little bit congested. It rained like no other last night - the type of rain that you hear beating off the hoods of cars.

Work has been going well. I get in at 540, do my 12-13 hrs and i'm out by 6 usually. I speed home, eat (usually in bed), and i'm knocked out by 8. Doesn't really sound like the lifestyle of an average 22 year old, but I cant help it.

The weekends? They don't change - i'm drunk at night - hungover during the day.

But the only way i can keep this thing going is because i honest to God enjoy my job. International stocks - i cover everything in the world sans the US.

Anyways, the holiday cups are out at starbucks. If that's nto a clue that it's holiday time then the weather will let you know. It's alays this time of year and the summer that make me feel a TAD more lonely.

i'm over the ex - i am changing this site's profile pic the moment this post is done.

I miss Asia the most. I really want to go to HK to work. In a couple of years.

Thanks for reading.

Life

2007-08-23T13:55:00.000-07:00

Karma. Does it exist?

Is there some sort of bank where your life's actions get debited and credited? Jesus christ, what is with these finance analogies. Training at work is really consuming every part of me...

I mention Karma because of the last couple subway rides. I take the seven train out of Manhattanto Queens where I live. The seven train is esssentially the immigrant line. In my racist/stereotyping mind it's the train that brings all the low cost mexicans/chinese from queens into manhattan to run the restaurants and any other service oriented jobs. Every morning i'm on the train it's newspapers from all around the world. I see the World Journal from China, I see traditional chinese newspapers signalling people from Taiwan/Singapore and then I see mexican gazettes; the entire gammut. Anyways, the point is, I think it's because of this demographic taht I am more exposed to the nyc hobos that ride the subway. The past couple days i've gone home there have been a spike in the amount of beggars/hobos asking for money.

Each one of them I opened wallet to.

I've never done that before. In the past two days i've tripled the amount of givings to beggars in my past three years in nyc.

Why? I cant help but feel obliged. It's not necessarily Karma. Christians don't believe in Karma.

I just cant help but picture the scenes in Matthew, Mark and Luke when Jesus is walking through as treet of beggars and subsequently heals/answers all their pleas.

I just feel that it's the best thign to do.

Whatever.

I have the series 7 exam coming up on the 29th and i'm scared shitless.

I am so fucking tan

2007-06-30T18:32:00.000-07:00

Actually, burned is more accurate.

Seven hours out on the pontoon yesterday. A cooler filled with ice and the best brew you can find this side of the Mississippi - Natural Ice aka Natty Light! and Pabst Blue Ribbon aka PBR.

We threw in some vicodin for some fun. A friend had just got his wisdom teeth removed and we were reaping his prescription drugs.

It's always good company with friends from home. Old jokes from high school. Old jokes about eachother's respective high school sweetheart, eachother's mothers, embarrassing moments that everyone of us had and hoped would never resurface after never hearing about them for four years of college made the day great.

The sun beamed so brightly it was like an invisible blanket of warmth against my skin. Beer in the other hand; home life back in michigan doesnt get much better.

But god damn, even with good friends and spirits, i still miss L deeply.

I miss you so much. Won't you come back to me? I know i've wronged you in so many ways, but please sweety, i'll never hurt you again.

I Love My Ex-Girlfriend

2007-06-27T15:51:00.000-07:00

I love her more than anything in the entire world...She's the only person who has really showed me what love was without expecting something back. She had loved me unconditionally, and I mistreated her.

It's hard to think of the way things have changed and how I must act in order to win her back. But, I love her, and I will do anything to have her by my side again. To feel her hand against my own..to be able to stare into eachother's eyes and see exactly one another's souls. That feeling of singularity, where hurting her is like stabbing yourself. You feel everythin together. You laugh as one and you love as one.

God, I miss her so much.

I have to give her space so she can recover. So, she can think things over and decide if i'm right for her. If she can trust me with her heart again. I understand wholly and agree because I need to take this time to prepare for her. There's something about being in a relationship with L that makes you want to be a better man in everyway. You want to not only be her support when she's troubled, but you want to be her guide in almost any practical way - her answer on any question, the expert on wines at dinner, the perfect interviewer for when she's preparing for full time positions, the supreme gentleman for those romantic candle lit dinners that all women love. So what does preparing for L mean? Reading every fucking dummies guide known to man?

No, it's simpler. Much simpler. I need to go back to God. the Lord taht breathed life into our relationship; I need to pursue him again. I love my Savior and she does too. God was the center of our relationship, but somehow along our path we were seperated from him. It was mainly my fault. Worldly possessions and human nature is hard to dodge. But I want to run the race again and follow God. Only through Him, will I find the answers, the expertise, the guidance, the ways to truly love, appreciate, and understand L.

I know my relationship with L is sanctified by God, like I believe that everyday the sun will rise and everynight the stars will shine. God brought us together and He will be with us again.

It's so hard to leave L. I have to be selfless and let her be. The pain I put her through is unimagineable.

I was heartless - a beast.

It's so hard to not be able to write to her, to send her flowers, to do anything to contact her. But in my heart I know the right thing is to wait.

I am showing her how much I love her by waiting and giving her time to recover.

She is my sweety, my boo bear, the only star in my sky, my shipmate - my love forever.

Inadequeacy

2007-06-20T17:33:00.000-07:00

Facebook.com is productivity's foil. I've spent hours clicking along on this online community to really get absolutely nothing genuine or wholesome from it. From each sesion, i learn senseless shit like, "John, the kid i met for no more than half an hour and then decided to randomnly facebook add me, is having a bad day"

Of course I dont feel this way everytime I logon...i have just a bit more sense than that. I mean, i have to be honest about it, facebook has been a vital tool in...chasing booty. You meet a girl the night before and you dont remember what she looked like. IT can save you from making a date with a real double bagger.

Anyways, my point is - i feel lame. And it's from what i just read of other people on facebook. Their "About Me" their "Interests", it all seems like everyone is just a class and a half ahead of me. I feel fucking uncultured. I feel shallow, aloof, senseless, APATHETIC. I just feel plain.

My entries have gotten so damn narcissitic recently, but it's only here that i can openly write about my self-qualms and shortcomings openly.

I dont care who u are out there..but i gaurantee you I am much more uninteresting than you are. I dont play an instrument, i have no favorite authors, despite hardly having no experience with playing an instrument, i'm not even anywhere close to being a music conossieur like many ppl that dont play, i'm not philosophical, i'm not super athletic, i' not a brilliant writer, i'm not charismatic, and i'm not a sports guru.

I feel so average. What am i? I'm a recent college graduate, finished school in 3 and a half years, despite transferring, i'm asian, i'm gonig to be working on wall street, not terribly attractive, favorite sport is tennis, i love rap, and my favorite color is green.

What am I? I have an opinion on a few things. i'm no expert. There's nothing wrong with just being average at a lot of things, being a jack of all trades would be great. My problem is, i'm average at not enough things.

How many fucking asian americans are there that went to school, got a degree in some bullshit, is now working in finance and loves hip hop. I basically just named the entire asian american population sans pre-med kids.

I want to be able to speak intelligently about something. I remember this one dousche back at hs, that had an absolute obsession with the los angeles lakers- his fetish was kobe bryants jock. As douschey as this kid was, if u brought up the lakers, u'd be in an entire house of pain.

My interests are too general. Sure, i love the classics - ender's game, brave new world, the humanities (epic poems)....i love tennnis, i can have an opinion on just about any pro athelete right now....

I dont understand. Self-edification is a bitch.

Suburbia

2007-06-19T16:32:00.000-07:00

I never thought writing on blogger could be so liberating. For a time I was stuckup in my "bouge" mindset, thinking the only way to express ur thoughts clearly were if u had you're own domain. Design sites from scratch, blah blah. I'm glad i'm with blogspot, tho. I just wish they had a better privacy feature.

Life back home is different. In some respects, I have all the responsibility I had back at school; this comes from the parents. But, who am i kidding, being home is a fucking vacation.

L told me to go to hell the otherday. She told me how much she hated me, how she wished she never knew me. She told me the time we spent together were a waste. I wasted too much of her time. I stole her from priceless engagements.

Hearing it at the time was like being lined up before a firing squad. Each sentence uttered was a sharp peiece of steel ripping parts of me away; each time making it harder to breathe...it's that shortness of breath, that weight on your chest that preceeds the tears. I now that about myself now. SOmetimes i'm able to hold back the drain pipes, that night i was.

I think i was able to because i believe her. I support her in those statements. I'm self hating when i think of the trials our relationship endured...and then failed. My actions were inhumane. The mere thoughts of what happened grip my lungs and wrench them shut. I'm choking when i think of what happened.

So it's my honest endorsement of her that keeps my tears from coming. I'm fighting two fronts inside. One that just wishes i could be strong enough to be with L, the other, with L, destroying myself from within.

I cant believe everything she says though. No, if I want to be back with her, I can't succumb to her string of flaggelation. Somewhere in her sheng ming, she does love me. You cant hate someone without passion. I hope her passion is centered by love for me.

Days are dominated by thoughts of her and what I hope to do to be back with her. Daily routines like waiting in line at the doctor are suddenly ruined by thoughts of where i am with lauren. which is no where. It's like being trapped outside of an encased dream. A dream so vivid and so amazing that all you can do is stare and remember. A dream where there were only two players and everything was sweet. When I think of our relationship, i stand outside of this flawless paragonic dream.

whatever. as one of the roosevelt's once said - there's nothing to fear, but fear itself.

i fear rejection...i fear losing the one person i would ever wish to grow old with...i fear the regret of losing L - the one that made time freeze when we were together...the one that could make me selfless at times..the one that reversed my thoughts, and showed me someone worth caring for over myself.

Shanghai - Abridged - Part I

2007-06-16T14:03:00.000-07:00

I remember holding L's hand the nights before I left for Shanghai. It was in late February and michigan was cold. Everywhere you went, you couldnt get passed the traffic jam of cars driving 20 mph slower, sleet riding up on either sides of your tires. You'd button up for whatever run you made outside.

But this winter was different than the ones i've had back home after high school. It was cold on the outside, but inside I had a flame burning. I was falling in love/in love with someone beautiful.

I was scared of what was to come in Shanghai. Ever since school, i've lost confidence in who I am and how to make myself in the face of strangers and potential friends. After school, i didnt know if it was possible for me to make friends, like back in hs or at case. the two and a half years i spent at skool were dissapointing. I dont regret not going back for graduation.

I wanted brothers again. People that would be there through the thickest of messes and wouldnt judge u no matter how wrong u were. Boys that would have my back.

I had L's love...but when you're young, nothing matters most to you than being able to kick it with men just like urself. When you're in that setting, you're equal with those around u. No one's better and no one's worse. That's where the strongest friendships are bred. it's just not right for a straight man's best friend to be a girl(s). It goes against a man's very nature.

Maybe one day when you're married, you can survive off the companionship of your lover alone. Who knows, I felt i'd be close to it with L. But in SH, i was afraid without L there, how would i live....i put making friends ahead of her...i think that's why i failed.