I am so fucking tan

Actually, burned is more accurate.

Seven hours out on the pontoon yesterday. A cooler filled with ice and the best brew you can find this side of the Mississippi - Natural Ice aka Natty Light! and Pabst Blue Ribbon aka PBR.

We threw in some vicodin for some fun. A friend had just got his wisdom teeth removed and we were reaping his prescription drugs.

It's always good company with friends from home. Old jokes from high school. Old jokes about eachother's respective high school sweetheart, eachother's mothers, embarrassing moments that everyone of us had and hoped would never resurface after never hearing about them for four years of college made the day great.

The sun beamed so brightly it was like an invisible blanket of warmth against my skin. Beer in the other hand; home life back in michigan doesnt get much better.

But god damn, even with good friends and spirits, i still miss L deeply.

I miss you so much. Won't you come back to me? I know i've wronged you in so many ways, but please sweety, i'll never hurt you again.

I Love My Ex-Girlfriend

I love her more than anything in the entire world...She's the only person who has really showed me what love was without expecting something back. She had loved me unconditionally, and I mistreated her.

It's hard to think of the way things have changed and how I must act in order to win her back. But, I love her, and I will do anything to have her by my side again. To feel her hand against my own..to be able to stare into eachother's eyes and see exactly one another's souls. That feeling of singularity, where hurting her is like stabbing yourself. You feel everythin together. You laugh as one and you love as one.

God, I miss her so much.

I have to give her space so she can recover. So, she can think things over and decide if i'm right for her. If she can trust me with her heart again. I understand wholly and agree because I need to take this time to prepare for her. There's something about being in a relationship with L that makes you want to be a better man in everyway. You want to not only be her support when she's troubled, but you want to be her guide in almost any practical way - her answer on any question, the expert on wines at dinner, the perfect interviewer for when she's preparing for full time positions, the supreme gentleman for those romantic candle lit dinners that all women love. So what does preparing for L mean? Reading every fucking dummies guide known to man?

No, it's simpler. Much simpler. I need to go back to God. the Lord taht breathed life into our relationship; I need to pursue him again. I love my Savior and she does too. God was the center of our relationship, but somehow along our path we were seperated from him. It was mainly my fault. Worldly possessions and human nature is hard to dodge. But I want to run the race again and follow God. Only through Him, will I find the answers, the expertise, the guidance, the ways to truly love, appreciate, and understand L.

I know my relationship with L is sanctified by God, like I believe that everyday the sun will rise and everynight the stars will shine. God brought us together and He will be with us again.

It's so hard to leave L. I have to be selfless and let her be. The pain I put her through is unimagineable.

I was heartless - a beast.

It's so hard to not be able to write to her, to send her flowers, to do anything to contact her. But in my heart I know the right thing is to wait.

I am showing her how much I love her by waiting and giving her time to recover.

She is my sweety, my boo bear, the only star in my sky, my shipmate - my love forever.

Inadequeacy

Facebook.com is productivity's foil. I've spent hours clicking along on this online community to really get absolutely nothing genuine or wholesome from it. From each sesion, i learn senseless shit like, "John, the kid i met for no more than half an hour and then decided to randomnly facebook add me, is having a bad day"

Of course I dont feel this way everytime I logon...i have just a bit more sense than that. I mean, i have to be honest about it, facebook has been a vital tool in...chasing booty. You meet a girl the night before and you dont remember what she looked like. IT can save you from making a date with a real double bagger.

Anyways, my point is - i feel lame. And it's from what i just read of other people on facebook. Their "About Me" their "Interests", it all seems like everyone is just a class and a half ahead of me. I feel fucking uncultured. I feel shallow, aloof, senseless, APATHETIC. I just feel plain.

My entries have gotten so damn narcissitic recently, but it's only here that i can openly write about my self-qualms and shortcomings openly.

I dont care who u are out there..but i gaurantee you I am much more uninteresting than you are. I dont play an instrument, i have no favorite authors, despite hardly having no experience with playing an instrument, i'm not even anywhere close to being a music conossieur like many ppl that dont play, i'm not philosophical, i'm not super athletic, i' not a brilliant writer, i'm not charismatic, and i'm not a sports guru.

I feel so average. What am i? I'm a recent college graduate, finished school in 3 and a half years, despite transferring, i'm asian, i'm gonig to be working on wall street, not terribly attractive, favorite sport is tennis, i love rap, and my favorite color is green.

What am I? I have an opinion on a few things. i'm no expert. There's nothing wrong with just being average at a lot of things, being a jack of all trades would be great. My problem is, i'm average at not enough things.

How many fucking asian americans are there that went to school, got a degree in some bullshit, is now working in finance and loves hip hop. I basically just named the entire asian american population sans pre-med kids.

I want to be able to speak intelligently about something. I remember this one dousche back at hs, that had an absolute obsession with the los angeles lakers- his fetish was kobe bryants jock. As douschey as this kid was, if u brought up the lakers, u'd be in an entire house of pain.

My interests are too general. Sure, i love the classics - ender's game, brave new world, the humanities (epic poems)....i love tennnis, i can have an opinion on just about any pro athelete right now....

I dont understand. Self-edification is a bitch.

Suburbia

I never thought writing on blogger could be so liberating. For a time I was stuckup in my "bouge" mindset, thinking the only way to express ur thoughts clearly were if u had you're own domain. Design sites from scratch, blah blah. I'm glad i'm with blogspot, tho. I just wish they had a better privacy feature.

Life back home is different. In some respects, I have all the responsibility I had back at school; this comes from the parents. But, who am i kidding, being home is a fucking vacation.

L told me to go to hell the otherday. She told me how much she hated me, how she wished she never knew me. She told me the time we spent together were a waste. I wasted too much of her time. I stole her from priceless engagements.

Hearing it at the time was like being lined up before a firing squad. Each sentence uttered was a sharp peiece of steel ripping parts of me away; each time making it harder to breathe...it's that shortness of breath, that weight on your chest that preceeds the tears. I now that about myself now. SOmetimes i'm able to hold back the drain pipes, that night i was.

I think i was able to because i believe her. I support her in those statements. I'm self hating when i think of the trials our relationship endured...and then failed. My actions were inhumane. The mere thoughts of what happened grip my lungs and wrench them shut. I'm choking when i think of what happened.

So it's my honest endorsement of her that keeps my tears from coming. I'm fighting two fronts inside. One that just wishes i could be strong enough to be with L, the other, with L, destroying myself from within.

I cant believe everything she says though. No, if I want to be back with her, I can't succumb to her string of flaggelation. Somewhere in her sheng ming, she does love me. You cant hate someone without passion. I hope her passion is centered by love for me.

Days are dominated by thoughts of her and what I hope to do to be back with her. Daily routines like waiting in line at the doctor are suddenly ruined by thoughts of where i am with lauren. which is no where. It's like being trapped outside of an encased dream. A dream so vivid and so amazing that all you can do is stare and remember. A dream where there were only two players and everything was sweet. When I think of our relationship, i stand outside of this flawless paragonic dream.

whatever. as one of the roosevelt's once said - there's nothing to fear, but fear itself.

i fear rejection...i fear losing the one person i would ever wish to grow old with...i fear the regret of losing L - the one that made time freeze when we were together...the one that could make me selfless at times..the one that reversed my thoughts, and showed me someone worth caring for over myself.

Shanghai - Abridged - Part I

I remember holding L's hand the nights before I left for Shanghai. It was in late February and michigan was cold. Everywhere you went, you couldnt get passed the traffic jam of cars driving 20 mph slower, sleet riding up on either sides of your tires. You'd button up for whatever run you made outside.

But this winter was different than the ones i've had back home after high school. It was cold on the outside, but inside I had a flame burning. I was falling in love/in love with someone beautiful.

I was scared of what was to come in Shanghai. Ever since school, i've lost confidence in who I am and how to make myself in the face of strangers and potential friends. After school, i didnt know if it was possible for me to make friends, like back in hs or at case. the two and a half years i spent at skool were dissapointing. I dont regret not going back for graduation.

I wanted brothers again. People that would be there through the thickest of messes and wouldnt judge u no matter how wrong u were. Boys that would have my back.

I had L's love...but when you're young, nothing matters most to you than being able to kick it with men just like urself. When you're in that setting, you're equal with those around u. No one's better and no one's worse. That's where the strongest friendships are bred. it's just not right for a straight man's best friend to be a girl(s). It goes against a man's very nature.

Maybe one day when you're married, you can survive off the companionship of your lover alone. Who knows, I felt i'd be close to it with L. But in SH, i was afraid without L there, how would i live....i put making friends ahead of her...i think that's why i failed.