Suburbia

I never thought writing on blogger could be so liberating. For a time I was stuckup in my "bouge" mindset, thinking the only way to express ur thoughts clearly were if u had you're own domain. Design sites from scratch, blah blah. I'm glad i'm with blogspot, tho. I just wish they had a better privacy feature.

Life back home is different. In some respects, I have all the responsibility I had back at school; this comes from the parents. But, who am i kidding, being home is a fucking vacation.

L told me to go to hell the otherday. She told me how much she hated me, how she wished she never knew me. She told me the time we spent together were a waste. I wasted too much of her time. I stole her from priceless engagements.

Hearing it at the time was like being lined up before a firing squad. Each sentence uttered was a sharp peiece of steel ripping parts of me away; each time making it harder to breathe...it's that shortness of breath, that weight on your chest that preceeds the tears. I now that about myself now. SOmetimes i'm able to hold back the drain pipes, that night i was.

I think i was able to because i believe her. I support her in those statements. I'm self hating when i think of the trials our relationship endured...and then failed. My actions were inhumane. The mere thoughts of what happened grip my lungs and wrench them shut. I'm choking when i think of what happened.

So it's my honest endorsement of her that keeps my tears from coming. I'm fighting two fronts inside. One that just wishes i could be strong enough to be with L, the other, with L, destroying myself from within.

I cant believe everything she says though. No, if I want to be back with her, I can't succumb to her string of flaggelation. Somewhere in her sheng ming, she does love me. You cant hate someone without passion. I hope her passion is centered by love for me.

Days are dominated by thoughts of her and what I hope to do to be back with her. Daily routines like waiting in line at the doctor are suddenly ruined by thoughts of where i am with lauren. which is no where. It's like being trapped outside of an encased dream. A dream so vivid and so amazing that all you can do is stare and remember. A dream where there were only two players and everything was sweet. When I think of our relationship, i stand outside of this flawless paragonic dream.

whatever. as one of the roosevelt's once said - there's nothing to fear, but fear itself.

i fear rejection...i fear losing the one person i would ever wish to grow old with...i fear the regret of losing L - the one that made time freeze when we were together...the one that could make me selfless at times..the one that reversed my thoughts, and showed me someone worth caring for over myself.