Shanghai - Abridged - Part I

I remember holding L's hand the nights before I left for Shanghai. It was in late February and michigan was cold. Everywhere you went, you couldnt get passed the traffic jam of cars driving 20 mph slower, sleet riding up on either sides of your tires. You'd button up for whatever run you made outside.

But this winter was different than the ones i've had back home after high school. It was cold on the outside, but inside I had a flame burning. I was falling in love/in love with someone beautiful.

I was scared of what was to come in Shanghai. Ever since school, i've lost confidence in who I am and how to make myself in the face of strangers and potential friends. After school, i didnt know if it was possible for me to make friends, like back in hs or at case. the two and a half years i spent at skool were dissapointing. I dont regret not going back for graduation.

I wanted brothers again. People that would be there through the thickest of messes and wouldnt judge u no matter how wrong u were. Boys that would have my back.

I had L's love...but when you're young, nothing matters most to you than being able to kick it with men just like urself. When you're in that setting, you're equal with those around u. No one's better and no one's worse. That's where the strongest friendships are bred. it's just not right for a straight man's best friend to be a girl(s). It goes against a man's very nature.

Maybe one day when you're married, you can survive off the companionship of your lover alone. Who knows, I felt i'd be close to it with L. But in SH, i was afraid without L there, how would i live....i put making friends ahead of her...i think that's why i failed.