veggginnnn

dood wtf - i've been in bed ALL sunday long...Sundays are usually like this...there's just really nothing for me to do. Unless there's laundry, i'll usually take out the garbage and on occasion go buy groceries (orange juice, microwaveable white castles and jelly beans).

it's kind of weird how life has kind of transitioned ever since school ended. Friends I used to see everyday for classes I never see anymore. But it's weird, bcz despite not hanging out as much anymore, the time we are together, we go fawking NUTS.

this wknd in particular tho, all these kids are stuck at their office. Bankers. Recruiting for Private Equity jobs have these kids holed up in their rooms doing LBO spreadsheets for interview prep...it's sad....so what am i left to do? oh lonely alex, the only kid htat's happy in his job and doesnt have interviews to prep for is left alone...to write in his blog at his home in queens....God, i need to move into manhattan....

i havent been outside my apt all day - i dont even know if it rained or not...the shades have been pulled down the entire day

Anyways, I think i'm going to regret these moments of vegging out - kind of like how I missed the days in college where you could skip class anytime u want and sleep in monday - fri...quite the opposite of getting into work at 545 am everyday like i do now...i'm not saying i'll get married - but damn, the stories i hear from ppl at work where weekends are bombarded with kid soccer games, recitals, classes, as early as 7AM - SOUND TERRIBLE!

WHY WOULD YOU EVER WANT KIDS!! They sound like the biggest waste of money and time!

is that a little overboard??

haha, james, my front deskman just called to say delivery was on its way up...only he and i both know how care free my sunday was - he called me only 8 hrs ago to let me know lunch was coming...from the same restaurant...

damn. lesson from this entry -

Don't take for granted vegging out.

She cut the tie on facebook so I can no longer see her status. Instead I log on to a friends and see her profile there. She's so beautiful in everyway.

Recently updated profile pictures; she'sso cute and wonderful. She has a new dress on and her hair is done up. It hurts because I know that she would have done those things for me.

I see her in pictures with other guys and I know taht she has someone new in her life. The guy strangely, kind of looks like me...Ultimately, if he treats her well then I should be happy for her. And really, thankful that thsi new person came in to give her what I could not.

How can you do that though - How can you feel happy when she's with someone else, when every time you see her smiling you wish it was you right next to her.

I wish I could make her laugh again. I wish I could be the one to make her feel safe and loved. But I know after everything I did these wounds are too deep to ever be repaired. The moments where we both believed it could work would be fleeting as the onset of the past memories would be too strong.

Deep down I miss her so much....but honestly, do i really love her the way to go after her? Is it deep enough to go to the depths to be with her again?

I don't think so...and so I must let go...and be happy she's with someone else.

Alex - you "exceed expectations"

That's what the last page of the evaluation said. I received a 2/5, an "Exceeds expectations" marking for my last 6 months on the desk.

Ecstatic? Completely. It has validated every little feeling of angst i've felt each day on the job. Everytime I was yelled at for fucking up a small detail on a trade to forgetting to order onions for someone's soup, this has made up for it; a million times over.

I've been hit by head hunters recently as well. People looking to poach me to explore other opportunities. It's gratifying and extremely honoring, but I can't leave. Not so soon.

The past few weeks have been good. I miss my family a lot. My parents and brother are in Taiwan. THey left little over a week ago to specifically participate in the elections to support the KMT. I'm glad their party won. I know my mother would be extremely sad if things did not transpire the way she wanted them to. At her age, it's tough to see her dissapointed at things in life. I wish i could take all of her stresses away. I wish she could retire and just enjoy her life knowing she had two children both independent and thankfully not needing their parents financial coddling.

I miss my brother too.

Girls

I've had the hardest time getting any the past couple months.

I finally ended nearly a 4 month dry spell of no kissing, hugs, ANYTHING, last friday when I met up with d from school. Even that night all we did was fool around a bit and just made out.

I don't really know what's behind this lack of booty. I'm single, making good $ and I'm in NY. My homies blame it on the fact I live in queens. It's true, it's a real conversation killer with girls at clubs, but at the same time, i've never brought it up more than 2 or three times ever since living there. So it cant be the entire problem.

I just get bored. I lose interest in the chase. There have been so many times when i'll walk up to a girl (and this is of course after TONS and TONS of coaxing from friends to make the move in the first place) start a conversation then just walk away 1 to 2 minutes later bcz she's not immediately on my cock. I hate the chase.

It's too much work I think....i think i've lost a lot of confidence in myself as well. Part of it is also because i'm still not over L.

I'd do anything to turn back my game, but it seems to have dried out. My best semester was first semester senior year, right before I graduated. WOW - that was THE BEST TIME FOR GETTING BOOTY.

I was hooking up with multiple girls every week; it was amazing.

ugh...i need something to switch on. I'm starting to tell my friends there is a direct -1 coorelation between watching porn and getting laid with me.

Work

It's starting to be not as fun as I built it up to be - Some thoughts i've had over the past few months -

I realized today that nothing I do at work benefits man kind in anyway - the environment? Nope. Human illness? Nope. Starvation? Nope. The American Dream? Nope. I am absolutely dead weight in this world.

You know that huge sigh of relief you breath the moment you step out of work? That gigantic deflation in your chest where your entire day's stress and qualms are stored get released? I love that feeling.

Every two hours of work, I feel like i'm losing two years of my life. I always feel like i'm going to pop a blood vessel.

Apparently I don't have any common sense and I don't know how to spell "Email". Says my boss. Oh, and I also always fuck up lunch.

When does it become the last straw?

Is work a place where veryday you challenge yoruself? Yes, it should be, right? But at the same time is it this stress you put on yourself so intense because you fear you will lose your job?

i'm starting to feel a divide.

Only a couple days until my 23rd birthday on the thirtieth.

Twenty three years old. There are some things about you that are second nature - they've been with you your entire life and they've never changed, like your name, or fondest memory, or favorite color.

And you'd think it'd be the same with your name, despite it changing every year, but for some reason, there are at times that split second where I pause when answering the question how old I am - 22? Geeze, that is old.

Soon to be 23. Where is this life headed?

It's almsot been a year since I met L. It was her birthday on the 24th.

I miss her so much still. Is it possible to really never love again? I know you see it in movies, people losing someone or breaking up and feeling terrible and honestly believing there could be no one better, but it always ends up turning around on them.

Will that happen to me? In bed at night I find myself wishing she was there laying next to me to hold. I miss wrapping my arms around her stomach, holding her tightly, as I smell her hair.

Work is not bad. I'm getting better at it. The more I am, the more I see how I dont think I could do it much longer. The allure of Asia is growing and I want to move there soon.

I've alaways been so crazy with my emotinos. I'll think I want tomsething so badly, and i'll never stop thinking about it, and once I have it, the feelings fade. Moving to Asia is a move you exactly dont want such a situation to happen to.